Salary Review

Salary reviews are very interesting times in the office as everyone is on edge and sometimes left wondering why the person next to them is smiling and showing off their new gold tooth, along with their gold plated foot stool and personalised Ferrari air conditioning for their cubicle whilst you’re still buying half mud soaked sandwiches from the three wheeled cyclist who never fails to arrive even during the monsoon season.

People that are disappointed with their rise assume they are at Hyde Park’s Speakers Corner and immediately say statements like “One percent isn’t even above bloody inflation, that won’t buy me a pair of Chinese manufactured underwear from a second-hand flea market”. Employees who received a pay increase simply say nothing and hide behind the employee code of conduct and refuse to enter into a pay discussion. All is eventually revealed when their meaningless title is upgraded to another meaningless title and circulated through an email which will also check the health of employees as some will die of shock. The tactful employee will celebrate the payrise at home(s) with their family and still wander in looking depressed the following morning…….normally because of a hangover or three.

Employees should change their attitude and complain at least once every week about how they are struggling on the current salary and highlight job accomplishments. Emphasis how you are struggling to finance your girlfriends breast implants and provide before/after pictures as proof. Maybe inform the boss of a success once a fortnight e.g. inform the boss that you’ve spent two weeks to create a drill down facility to make navigation of 65000 records of data more manageable for sales staff i.e. placed an auto filter on an excel spreadsheet. You should also take at least a week off during the year for stress related illnesses which should indicate that you’re performing far too many tasks and not simply twice as slow as a blind illiterate donkey to resolve a simple query thereby forced to work longer hours because of your own stupidity.

Then of course you have the honest employee who will be proud of the above average increase and who never fail to inform fellow employees that they are more valued than anyone else. They are also known as shit stirrers and every IT department needs them to keep the excitement alive.

Shit stirrers, we salute you!