Are we there yet?

I think when we were all kids we must have uttered those words which were immediately followed by a flying object directed to our face by one of our parents. No, not (for a girl still in school) "I'm pregnant" or (for a boy) "I got a girl pregnant" or (for both) "I'm queer"; no, the words I'm pondering are "Are we there yet?".

Unfortunately, these insufferable kids grew up and became IT Directors or Managers. The phrase uttered every five minutes have slightly changed to "Have you finished that program yet" or "This is really urgent" or "This is top top top priority". All uttered while invading your private space every five minutes, even following you in the toilets, on your way home and a splurge of sms messages at 11pm every night. Also do not place any ornaments on your desk as its an excuse to make small chit chat before the phrase "Oh, by the way, have you finished that...." is uttered; and have no doubt, it will come. Unfortunately it is against the law to grab a baseball bat and whack these space invaders over the head and you are forced to go through the lengthy process of a restraining order.

The same annoying kids also think they can do the impossible. For example, if you say I did 100 keepy-uppies with a football, they will come back with "Well I did 1000 just using my shoulders", without even blinking and passing a lie detector test. These traits are then used in IT meetings with business partners. For example, the CEO will ask, I want that IT system up and running in a year. The IT Director will say I can get it up and running in three months. It will be up and running in three months but with 10,000 bugs, a stream of never ending support contractors and an IT Manager who opts to take all the blame to safeguard his job and is now constantly dreaming of eating the IT Directors heart with a bottle of Chianti.

So all you need to be a good IT Director is little to none technical ability, an annoying habit of preying on your staff every five minutes 24 hours a day, stating every project is high priority (and sometimes having five high priority number one must do taks in the same hour), agree to every business demand with deadlines immediately cut and the ability to pass lie detector tests when you're taken to court.

Redundancy in an IT dept and UOP

Excuse me while I take some mind altering substances and indulge in an off-IT topic. I've been made redundant in Switzerland where the employer can state not liking the colour of your socks (this at least would have been more acceptable than the zero reasons I received) as a valid excuse.
I've been warned that the Swiss Unemployment Agency work you harder than a small Indian boy in a Primark factory by scaring the bejesus out of everyone and forcing them to look for work 24 hours a day. I now have UOP or more commonly known as 'Unemployment Office Phobia' in Switzerland. It's almost like being captured by the Germans and being tortured. Let me
give you an example.
During monthy meetings I have to present evidence of employment applications. Here is a loose re-enactment of my first meeting.
I'll use the fictitious name Philip Peters Stevens.

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Unemployment Officer (UO) - "So Miiiister Stevens, you claim to have applied for a job at Nestle. Hmmmm, I phoned up my good friend Herr Hitler at Nestle and he says your application does not exist (hand violently hits table). Explain yourself"

Philip (slightly sweating) - "Here's my application printout, correspondence from Nestle and a sample of my blood just in case I'm hospitalised during this meeting"

UO (Slowly coming forward to me, gradually talking louder and spitting into my face whilst talking) - "This is not good enough Miiiister Stevens or is it Miiiister Peters. Are you two people? Are you a English spy?

Philip (Wiping saliva from face) - "Yes, I've been sent by MI5 to determine how you keep your unemployment rate so low.
Not rocket science really"

UO - "English humour hey. Well lets see if we can extract the truth using, hmmmm, conVENtional methods" (Out comes a set of pliers.....some still with teeth inside them)

Philip - "Ok,Ok, I lied. I didn't phone them, but I sent them an email"

UO - "You also claim to have registered with 100 job agencies in one day. How is this possible Miiiister Stevens"

Philip - "Werr I kan tel yu if yu tak the plaars out of ma moth. Thanks. I have a very fast internet connection and in between downloading films to help with Employment Interviews like this, such as "Escape to Victory" and "Schlinders List", I managed to apply to all 100 Internet agencies"

UO - "Miiiiste Stevens. You have lied and will be deducted 99% of your first cheque. All future meetings will also be conducted via a lie
detector test and under hynopsis"

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Going back to my redundancy, the IT Director deemed my role dispensible only to replace me with two experts in my field doing exactly the same job. From this, I can only conclude that the two male IT Directors were having an affair which I inadvertently stumbled upon and it would be easier to remove me from the company. Well, they say ligtning doesn't strike twice. That's bull, this is the third time it's happend to me. I will now only apply to firms where the IT Directors are female.

Slave to the Business

If you've ever had a little brother or sister then unknown to yourself, you've just been taught the fundamentals of life in an IT dept. Lets imagine these roles:-

VP Business - Father called Victor

IT Director - Mother called Patsy

IT Programmer - Son called Dick (aged 10)

Business Manager - Daughter called Winny (aged 5)

When the business ask for anything directly to an IT Employee, the normal reaction is to avoid direct eye contact and hope the little rascal eats the choclate laced rat poison in a jar labelled "for business employees only". If the low level Business Manager is still alive after a few days, then they will attempt to make contact again and if the repsonse, or lack of, is the same then people you only see telling lies on Bloomberg & CNBC, namely VP's and CIO's, soon get copied onto emails directed to you, reluctantly prompting you into some action. Suddenly this petty task is deemed more important by the IT Director than the Exchange Server going into serious meltdown or your Invoice system accidentally sending all invoices to the IT Directors Kitchen renovator as he once tried to claim the work through his expenses under Home IT infrastructure Requirements.

Nuisance Business calls are like your little 5 year old sister, Winny (Business Manager), asking to play with your Playstation. You ignore her repeated attempts and place a 5-lever mortice lock on every door, drawer and window in your room. At this point Winny gets frustrated that she can't get what she wants and proceeds with the puppy dog look on her gullible father, Victor (VP Business).

Victor is normally worried about his bonus so will simply call in his wife, Patsy, for a two minute lecture. Patsy (IT Director) then beats the hell out of Dick (IT Programmer) and threatens to take away his Playstation unless he does what Winny wants. Dick now knows not to mess with Winny as he will simply get a hiding from Mother and have all his toys taken away.

Winny also knows she has Victor under her thumb and simply has to run to him if she wants something from Dick.
Patsy has no choice in any matter and takes small measures to appease Victor by giving Dick some work to improve his manners i.e. An Improvement Plan.
These plans can last years or until Dick decides enough is enough and runs away from home to seek shelter with new parents who have no kids, and more importantly, cannot have any kids.

Winny knows as long as Father is always around, Dick is under her control. Patsy knows that Victor has the final say and if Victor says bend over, then Patsy raises her skirt and duly obliges like a true IT Director to the VP of Business.

So you see, working in IT is like looking after your spoilt sister as you have to act and behave at all times when the Business have your number on all their speed dial buttons at work and home.

Father always sits at the head of the table, but its Dick who's saying all the prayers.