I've been involved in many projects with project managers, some good, some bad. However I'm now always involved with large scale projects with no project managers; some bad, some that make you vomit most evenings and rethink your existence in this world.
It all started with an innocent coffee break in the canteen, when I was approached by a BA and asked to attend a 5 minute meeting, to "sit, listen and provide technical advise" with Manager lookalikes, a very threatening flip-chart and a BA disguised as a project manager.
Like a patsy for the Mafia, I could smell the stench of another well-executed sting operation. Mistake 1 - I carried a notepad and pen which automatically qualified me to write the minutes. I struggled to keep up as four different languages being spoken, and yes, bulls**t was one of them. Mistake 2 - I spoke with an idea which automatically qualified me to summarise the actions, provide a solution, give estimates of development, costing,etc. Mistake 3 - I was last to leave the room so I had to clean the mess left behind.
I was left wondering if this was a setup like "You've Been Framed", so I started searching for hidden cameras and hoped I would wake up from this cold sweat very soon. Everyone left the room stating that 'nothing is impossible'. I left the room thinking that nothing is impossible for the people who don't have to do jack s**t and these f**king cameras must be somewhere. I also noticed that from the project 'team' of 10 people, I was the only one who had any action points.
Anyway, I worked tirelessly creating a project plan for myself, giving myself hard deadlines, arranging hourly meetings with myself for an update, reported myself to HR for swearing at myself, made myself cry and then called myself a cry baby and forced myself to work with a dummy in my mouth to teach me a lesson. I delivered all the requirements expected only to be told by the project sponsors, via a conference call from their beach hotel in Miami, that "I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant". This stunk of the companys motto which hung proudly above the entrance of the IT department, "There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again".
I now understand the phrase the Project Life Cycle as the Project makes you cry like a baby at the start, half way through you have a mid-life crisis and when the Project goes live you're looking like a 90 year old barely able to sleep and wetting your pants most days.
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Monday 6 September 2010
FROM HELPDESK TO SENIOR DIRECTOR…..in less than a week
Now the conventional way to gain a fast promotion in IT is to present an outstanding piece of work which could even be entered for a Noble Prize award (unless the functional design involves changing a program to ensure WMD’s decimate the world faster).
Loyalty and good honest hard work are not deemed worthy of promotion as there will probably be no one competent enough to replace your job so it’s deemed a risk. This implies useless non-productive workers are rewarded with promotion as their position can be fulfilled by someone in a lower level who will do a better job working half the hours, multi-tasking with a welding rod sticking out of their backside and only using their left foot to type. Hence the reason why Directors constantly look confused but know how to walk 100mph to look busy and important.
Software Developers in a team of two or more will never gain promotion purely because all equally deserve promotion but if one is promoted the rest will probably resign in protest by setting themselves on fire. Look, they’re new to this protesting scene and they prefer armchair protesting so they’ll simply kidnap an important invoice object orientated program and issue a ransom note via blackberry from the staff coffee room.
If you’re a developer, this would be the normal route to promotion:-
Junior Developer - Developer - Senior Developer - Team Leader - Manager - Director - Senior Director
Unfortunately I’ve seen the following occur at a company:-
Support Technician - Resignation - Unemployed - Senior Director of Support Services
And a lot of this
Programmer – Programmer with a blackberry – Programmer with a blackberry and on 24 hour support – Programmer with a blackberry, on 24 hour support and a car park space - Retired
The unconventional and more popular way to gain a fast promotion is to threaten a Director with evidence that can ruin his personal life.
If neither conventional or unconventional routes are up to your conscience levels, then join a company where titles are meaningless and promotion provides the HR department with an excuse to exercise their creative title writing skills.
Or simply join a company where any display of working an hour beyond the call of duty will result in a promotion; where the ability to perform a vlookup in Excel will result in an after work party; where restricting yourself to one toilet visit per working day will be “duly noted”.
And if you work on Helpdesk and all three happen in a week…then you’ve gone from Helpdesk to Director in less than a week. Con ‘f**king’ gratulations.
Loyalty and good honest hard work are not deemed worthy of promotion as there will probably be no one competent enough to replace your job so it’s deemed a risk. This implies useless non-productive workers are rewarded with promotion as their position can be fulfilled by someone in a lower level who will do a better job working half the hours, multi-tasking with a welding rod sticking out of their backside and only using their left foot to type. Hence the reason why Directors constantly look confused but know how to walk 100mph to look busy and important.
Software Developers in a team of two or more will never gain promotion purely because all equally deserve promotion but if one is promoted the rest will probably resign in protest by setting themselves on fire. Look, they’re new to this protesting scene and they prefer armchair protesting so they’ll simply kidnap an important invoice object orientated program and issue a ransom note via blackberry from the staff coffee room.
If you’re a developer, this would be the normal route to promotion:-
Junior Developer - Developer - Senior Developer - Team Leader - Manager - Director - Senior Director
Unfortunately I’ve seen the following occur at a company:-
Support Technician - Resignation - Unemployed - Senior Director of Support Services
And a lot of this
Programmer – Programmer with a blackberry – Programmer with a blackberry and on 24 hour support – Programmer with a blackberry, on 24 hour support and a car park space - Retired
The unconventional and more popular way to gain a fast promotion is to threaten a Director with evidence that can ruin his personal life.
If neither conventional or unconventional routes are up to your conscience levels, then join a company where titles are meaningless and promotion provides the HR department with an excuse to exercise their creative title writing skills.
Or simply join a company where any display of working an hour beyond the call of duty will result in a promotion; where the ability to perform a vlookup in Excel will result in an after work party; where restricting yourself to one toilet visit per working day will be “duly noted”.
And if you work on Helpdesk and all three happen in a week…then you’ve gone from Helpdesk to Director in less than a week. Con ‘f**king’ gratulations.
Tuesday 20 July 2010
ELECTION YEAR
Should we also elect our IT Directors in a similar manner to the General Election? Or should they be elected based on friendships or family relationships rather than talent, which is the normal tradition. Aren’t all IT Directors a secret coalition as you’re given the job because you’re obedient to your master and not allowed to think for yourself i.e. a puppet government. Let’s review the positives and positives……yes, that was not a typo, of a democratic electoral vote.
Employees should have a minimum of three potential candidates to elect who cannot be related. Each candidate should submit his ‘promises’ and manifesto to employees and allowed a budget of 100 pounds (excluding donations) for campaigning. The longer the campaign, the better for employees as drinks to bribe voters will have to come from the candidates own pocket (it has been proven fictitious expense fraud increases in the run up to IT Directorial Elections mainly by the candidates).
Employees should vote in closed doors and supervised by a neutral i.e. someone who does not work with a computer and has no link with the IT Department, in fact someone who doesn’t even know there is an IT Department at the workplace and who thinks IT stands for Immigrants Toilet.
An IT Director leadership contest should only last two years before a re-election. This is sufficient time to deliver on his promises even if they cram the entire manifesto in the last week before re-election. IT Director pay should be performance related and expenses should be made public to employees.
Here’s a typical manifesto or a Dummies Guide to Election Victory for an IT Director
1) Promise to install a decent coffee machine as the 5 pound Tesco one has seen better days after two weeks use, let alone two years. Placing a cleaning filter in every six months or hiring a contractor (IT Directors lazy good for nothing brother who splits profits with IT Director) to ‘service’ it every 4 weeks is not washing……….away the grime.
2) I will promise to smile and greet passer-bys with a hello in the morning, plus fresh croissants everytime my expense sheet is signed off by myself.
3) I promise not to hire dumb contractors just to spend the allocated budget before year end. This is like giving a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle (which you worked on for a year) with 20 pieces remaining to a 6 month old baby. He’ll come along, rip the thing apart, try and place things where they shouldn’t go, take a break, let his guard
4) I promise to allow the World Cup to be broadcast live at the workplace. Simple, effective and a crowd pleaser. You may have to extend to the Rugby World Cup, afternoon Eastenders episodes and Supermarket Dash to gain majority share.
5) I promise to make all Director expense claims, especially the
6) I promise to leave the country with my wife, kids and mistresses and never return if 99% of the votes are against me.
Sunday 11 April 2010
Salary Review
Salary reviews are very interesting times in the office as everyone is on edge and sometimes left wondering why the person next to them is smiling and showing off their new gold tooth, along with their gold plated foot stool and personalised Ferrari air conditioning for their cubicle whilst you’re still buying half mud soaked sandwiches from the three wheeled cyclist who never fails to arrive even during the monsoon season.
People that are disappointed with their rise assume they are at Hyde Park’s Speakers Corner and immediately say statements like “One percent isn’t even above bloody inflation, that won’t buy me a pair of Chinese manufactured underwear from a second-hand flea market”. Employees who received a pay increase simply say nothing and hide behind the employee code of conduct and refuse to enter into a pay discussion. All is eventually revealed when their meaningless title is upgraded to another meaningless title and circulated through an email which will also check the health of employees as some will die of shock. The tactful employee will celebrate the payrise at home(s) with their family and still wander in looking depressed the following morning…….normally because of a hangover or three.
Employees should change their attitude and complain at least once every week about how they are struggling on the current salary and highlight job accomplishments. Emphasis how you are struggling to finance your girlfriends breast implants and provide before/after pictures as proof. Maybe inform the boss of a success once a fortnight e.g. inform the boss that you’ve spent two weeks to create a drill down facility to make navigation of 65000 records of data more manageable for sales staff i.e. placed an auto filter on an excel spreadsheet. You should also take at least a week off during the year for stress related illnesses which should indicate that you’re performing far too many tasks and not simply twice as slow as a blind illiterate donkey to resolve a simple query thereby forced to work longer hours because of your own stupidity.
Then of course you have the honest employee who will be proud of the above average increase and who never fail to inform fellow employees that they are more valued than anyone else. They are also known as shit stirrers and every IT department needs them to keep the excitement alive.
Shit stirrers, we salute you!
People that are disappointed with their rise assume they are at Hyde Park’s Speakers Corner and immediately say statements like “One percent isn’t even above bloody inflation, that won’t buy me a pair of Chinese manufactured underwear from a second-hand flea market”. Employees who received a pay increase simply say nothing and hide behind the employee code of conduct and refuse to enter into a pay discussion. All is eventually revealed when their meaningless title is upgraded to another meaningless title and circulated through an email which will also check the health of employees as some will die of shock. The tactful employee will celebrate the payrise at home(s) with their family and still wander in looking depressed the following morning…….normally because of a hangover or three.
Employees should change their attitude and complain at least once every week about how they are struggling on the current salary and highlight job accomplishments. Emphasis how you are struggling to finance your girlfriends breast implants and provide before/after pictures as proof. Maybe inform the boss of a success once a fortnight e.g. inform the boss that you’ve spent two weeks to create a drill down facility to make navigation of 65000 records of data more manageable for sales staff i.e. placed an auto filter on an excel spreadsheet. You should also take at least a week off during the year for stress related illnesses which should indicate that you’re performing far too many tasks and not simply twice as slow as a blind illiterate donkey to resolve a simple query thereby forced to work longer hours because of your own stupidity.
Then of course you have the honest employee who will be proud of the above average increase and who never fail to inform fellow employees that they are more valued than anyone else. They are also known as shit stirrers and every IT department needs them to keep the excitement alive.
Shit stirrers, we salute you!
Wednesday 10 March 2010
Perks of the job
Many IT employees are not fully aware of the hidden perks of their job. I’m here risking life to break the magic IT circle code.
1) All software can be downloaded and distributed to close family, distant family, friends of the family, friends of friends and any stranger you meet at the laundrette willing to pay a tenner. Any suspicious virus infected software should be tested on your work pc as repairs are free.
2) One item of stationary can be taken per day as long as a JCB is not required to transport said item back home and the item does not talk i.e. kidnapping fellow workers is strictly forbidden
3) If any milk remains at the end of the day, you can take it home and resell to your local corner shop
4) Forgery recognition software is non-existent at workplaces, so false expense sheets are willingly accepted
5) Company phone is your personal phone to keep in contact with overseas relatives, especially wealthy ones about to pass away and likely to leave a will
6) All printers can be used after office hours for personal use, especially if you have a printing business on the side.
7) Steal all utilities. Make sure you charge your mobile phone, ipod, laptop, in fact anything bought in the last five years as it’s bound to be portable with a usb socket. Since you may be required to work from home, why not run an extension cable for emergency power to continue 24 hour support and pay no more electricity bills.
8) After the office cleaners have gone, sleep under your desk. No house bills to pay, no mortgage, no council tax, no more problems. Your boss will think you work hard and a bonus should be on the cards. Your home is cleaned on a daily basis, trash emptied daily; there's 24 hour security and a kitchen which is restocked every day! Strictly no pets allowed.
9) Toilet paper can be taken home, but make sure inventories are not religiously taken to avoid suspicion. There’s always one nut in facilities that likes counting and recording useless data.
1) All software can be downloaded and distributed to close family, distant family, friends of the family, friends of friends and any stranger you meet at the laundrette willing to pay a tenner. Any suspicious virus infected software should be tested on your work pc as repairs are free.
2) One item of stationary can be taken per day as long as a JCB is not required to transport said item back home and the item does not talk i.e. kidnapping fellow workers is strictly forbidden
3) If any milk remains at the end of the day, you can take it home and resell to your local corner shop
4) Forgery recognition software is non-existent at workplaces, so false expense sheets are willingly accepted
5) Company phone is your personal phone to keep in contact with overseas relatives, especially wealthy ones about to pass away and likely to leave a will
6) All printers can be used after office hours for personal use, especially if you have a printing business on the side.
7) Steal all utilities. Make sure you charge your mobile phone, ipod, laptop, in fact anything bought in the last five years as it’s bound to be portable with a usb socket. Since you may be required to work from home, why not run an extension cable for emergency power to continue 24 hour support and pay no more electricity bills.
8) After the office cleaners have gone, sleep under your desk. No house bills to pay, no mortgage, no council tax, no more problems. Your boss will think you work hard and a bonus should be on the cards. Your home is cleaned on a daily basis, trash emptied daily; there's 24 hour security and a kitchen which is restocked every day! Strictly no pets allowed.
9) Toilet paper can be taken home, but make sure inventories are not religiously taken to avoid suspicion. There’s always one nut in facilities that likes counting and recording useless data.
Saturday 27 February 2010
Employee Incentives
One must balance the draining of employees lives with incentives to ensure that the employee has something to look forward to over the next ten years. My previous company offered a Rolex watch to anyone with 12 years service. For reasons unknown, they went insolvent after exactly 11 years 355 days thereby forgoing the need to ever buy a single Rolex, but they had a 100% retention rate for that duration and a lot of pyromaniac employees a few days later. My next employee offered a blunt pencil with the company logo after five years slave labour. The only use for this pencil was to create fictitious expenses until I could afford a Rolex.
As a manager I was expected to be on call for every minute of every hour of every day…without pay. The incentive for being woken up at 3:00 every morning was an extra 30 minutes sleep by being allowed to arrive late the following work day. My wife is disturbed each time I receive a call, my kids have violent fits whenever they hear the ringing tone of a blackberry and my goldfish couldn’t stand it any longer and committed suicide by leaping out of his fish tank. All for an extra 30 minutes. Oh yeah, and guess who’s to blame if the backups fail to run because some sleep deprived employee didn’t answer the phone?
If companies want to motivate their employees, then incentives should reflect modern times. For example, provide al the spotty geeky computer nerds with the incentive of a night with the hottest hooker in town and I will guarantee they will give 150% effort each day. Cost – roughly 150 quid per hooker. Cost saving, immense unless all return with Aids and the health insurance plan bankrupts the company. For women, maybe a breast implant, surely a win win situation for the company.
So when you are next deciding on incentives they need not be expensive but something that may change IT employees life forever.
As a manager I was expected to be on call for every minute of every hour of every day…without pay. The incentive for being woken up at 3:00 every morning was an extra 30 minutes sleep by being allowed to arrive late the following work day. My wife is disturbed each time I receive a call, my kids have violent fits whenever they hear the ringing tone of a blackberry and my goldfish couldn’t stand it any longer and committed suicide by leaping out of his fish tank. All for an extra 30 minutes. Oh yeah, and guess who’s to blame if the backups fail to run because some sleep deprived employee didn’t answer the phone?
If companies want to motivate their employees, then incentives should reflect modern times. For example, provide al the spotty geeky computer nerds with the incentive of a night with the hottest hooker in town and I will guarantee they will give 150% effort each day. Cost – roughly 150 quid per hooker. Cost saving, immense unless all return with Aids and the health insurance plan bankrupts the company. For women, maybe a breast implant, surely a win win situation for the company.
So when you are next deciding on incentives they need not be expensive but something that may change IT employees life forever.
Tuesday 23 February 2010
Software upgrade Scam
A software upgrade is simply a legal form of extortion run by software houses with colouful imagination skills resulting in the extraction of huge sums of money from companies for doing little or no work.
If your company relies on external 'technical expertise' then the software house will squeeze your every last dollar. For example, they may state that you’re required to migrate from version 4.1.5 to 4.1.6 as they are no longer supporting version 4.1.5.
They will then highlight all the advantages of the new version such as:-
Increased Reporting functions (a print function has been added)
Performance Advantages (crap programs replaced by less crap coded programs)
Etc
The software company will then dispatch two trainees to carry out the upgrade and hand over a support pack with the only change from last year’s being the year printed on the cover. The upgrade will result solely in a description field being extended by 10 characters and just for good measure, the two trainees will charge you for travel, food, accommodation, smoking cannabis and watching porno flicks in their hotel room.
You will be charged several thousand of pounds for ensuring you still receive second rate support as you are now on the latest version (until the next version comes out in three months times and you do this all again), and have to pay your own staff extra for working weekends just to watch two semi drunk trainees put a cd in a server and press GO!
If your company relies on external 'technical expertise' then the software house will squeeze your every last dollar. For example, they may state that you’re required to migrate from version 4.1.5 to 4.1.6 as they are no longer supporting version 4.1.5.
They will then highlight all the advantages of the new version such as:-
Increased Reporting functions (a print function has been added)
Performance Advantages (crap programs replaced by less crap coded programs)
Etc
The software company will then dispatch two trainees to carry out the upgrade and hand over a support pack with the only change from last year’s being the year printed on the cover. The upgrade will result solely in a description field being extended by 10 characters and just for good measure, the two trainees will charge you for travel, food, accommodation, smoking cannabis and watching porno flicks in their hotel room.
You will be charged several thousand of pounds for ensuring you still receive second rate support as you are now on the latest version (until the next version comes out in three months times and you do this all again), and have to pay your own staff extra for working weekends just to watch two semi drunk trainees put a cd in a server and press GO!
Sunday 14 February 2010
Appraisal to signal the end is nigh
The content of the post below relates to actual events....loosely. The names have been omitted to protect the innocent and save embarrassment.
Scene - Manager has called in an Employee for their annual review
Manager – I see you’ve met all your 35 objectives for the year.Thanks for all your hard work, now what objectives can we set for the forthcoming year.
Employee - Well, considering we’re migrating away from the current system and moving to a completely new platform, I think my work will be considered obsolete
Manager - You have a good point there. We are looking to move to a more modern system which should reduce the workforce and migrate all technical positions to
Employee – So you’re basically saying that I will be made redundant at some point in the forthcoming year
Manager – I suppose I am
Employee –So is that my only objective?
Manager – I guess so, should we write that down to give you something to work towards?
Employee – Errmmm, okay
Manager – Great! And good luck with your objectives for this year
Employee – Thanks, I’m sure my wife and seven kids will be pleased.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)