Project Management or lack of

I've been involved in many projects with project managers, some good, some bad. However I'm now always involved with large scale projects with no project managers; some bad, some that make you vomit most evenings and rethink your existence in this world.

It all started with an innocent coffee break in the canteen, when I was approached by a BA and asked to attend a 5 minute meeting, to "sit, listen and provide technical advise" with Manager lookalikes, a very threatening flip-chart and a BA disguised as a project manager.

Like a patsy for the Mafia, I could smell the stench of another well-executed sting operation. Mistake 1 - I carried a notepad and pen which automatically qualified me to write the minutes. I struggled to keep up as four different languages being spoken, and yes, bulls**t was one of them. Mistake 2 - I spoke with an idea which automatically qualified me to summarise the actions, provide a solution, give estimates of development, costing,etc. Mistake 3 - I was last to leave the room so I had to clean the mess left behind.

I was left wondering if this was a setup like "You've Been Framed", so I started searching for hidden cameras and hoped I would wake up from this cold sweat very soon. Everyone left the room stating that 'nothing is impossible'. I left the room thinking that nothing is impossible for the people who don't have to do jack s**t and these f**king cameras must be somewhere. I also noticed that from the project 'team' of 10 people, I was the only one who had any action points.

Anyway, I worked tirelessly creating a project plan for myself, giving myself hard deadlines, arranging hourly meetings with myself for an update, reported myself to HR for swearing at myself, made myself cry and then called myself a cry baby and forced myself to work with a dummy in my mouth to teach me a lesson. I delivered all the requirements expected only to be told by the project sponsors, via a conference call from their beach hotel in Miami, that "I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant". This stunk of the companys motto which hung proudly above the entrance of the IT department, "There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again".

I now understand the phrase the Project Life Cycle as the Project makes you cry like a baby at the start, half way through you have a mid-life crisis and when the Project goes live you're looking like a 90 year old barely able to sleep and wetting your pants most days.